Can't stop me.

Ma faci sa te astept, ma faci sa stau dupa tine si nu este corect. Nu imi spui direct, nu imi spui prin cuvinte dar prin fapte. Ma faci sa ma simt prost daca sunt cu alti, ma faci sa vreau sa te astept, sa cred ca ma iubesti si ca am fi perfecti, ca ne-am simti asa bine si ca doar tu ma sti atat de bine. Ca doar tu ma poti face sa ma simt atat de femeie si atat de bine, ca sunt in siguranta langa tine ca suntem ca doua jumatati.

Nu e corect sa ma tii legata cand nu sunt a ta! Nu e corect sa ma tii asa cand nu vrei sa fiu a ta! Nu e corect sa ma faci sa ma simt asa cand esti departe!

Elibereaza-ma, te rog. 

Baby I wish you were here with me, right now, just lie here in bed next to me and hold my hand. There’s no need for words or kisses. Just the silence between us. Not an awkward kind of silence, but the good kind. the nice one. The one where you can just lay there and enjoy being together. I’d put my legs over your waist and we could just lay there for hours, listen to each other breathing. You would play with my hair and I would draw patterns on your chest and just smile in the darkness of my room. I would wear my t-shirt and you would wear your pants, and together it would be a whole outfit :)

<3

de ce ma doare? de ce ma doare cand a fost asa de scurt? de ce ma doare cand nu ai insemnat nimic? de ce nu beau alcol? de ce mi-e frica? de ce ai renuntat? de ce ar face cineva asa cv? de ce nu o mai vad asa des? de ce simt ca imi pierd cea mai buna prietena? de ce sunt asa nervoasa? de ce sa plec? de ce sa raman? de ce sa lupt? de ce nu pot sa ma mai ridic? dc si-a schimbat 226-le traseul? de ce fac incurand 18 ani? de ce nu stiu ce vreau? de ce mi-a placut sa merg cu el asa mult? de ce nimeni nu ma atinge cum m-a atins el? de ce ma
port asa? de ce nu am toate hainele pe care le vreau? de ce nu sunt mai inalta? de ce urasc atata si totusi nimic? de ce nu mai pot avea incredere? de ce nu se tine lumea de promisiuni? de ce pleaca toti cand e prea greu? de ce nu pot scoate monstri din mine? de ce stau asa tarziu si astept ceva? de ce? de
ce? de ce nu stiu nici un raspuns? de ce? de ce exista numai oameni egositi? de ce ma paraseste si ea? de ce pleca de langa mine cand am nevoie de ea? de ce imi pierd puterile? de ce nu mai pot sa rad cu inima? de ce este totul asa greu si complicat? de ce sunt asa complexata? de ce nu ma mai simt frumoasa? de ce m-ai schimbat in asta? de ce face greseala asta? de ce nu vede si uita? de ce vrea sa
sufere? de ce nu am cum sa o ajut? de ce pierd mereu? de ce nu am noroc? de ce ma pierd? de ce nu stiu drumul? de ce ma iubeste cand nu il iubesc? de ce nu se potriveste niciodata nimic? de ce e asa cu mine? de ce nu a plecat? de ce nu m-a parasit ca restu? de ce nu mai pot??? de ce nu mai vreau?? dece nu ma scoate nimeni de aici?????!

Say you’re sorry! I want you to whisper and scream and yell and sing and cry those words. I want you to feel at night the way i feel during the day; the agony, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the furry, the disappointment. I want you to feel those things every single moment of your “oh so perfect” life you son of a b*tch!

I want you to regret you’ve ever been born and regret ever living on this planet and polluting it! Breathing the good air we need…

You pathetic excuse of a man! You weren’t even worth my time and feeling. And now you’ll be so sorry for losing the best thing you’ve ever had. I’d gladly hand you the gun or the razor blade honey ;) 


I’m not with stupid ANYMORE!

What does it matter? If it’s love?

I know this girl. A really nice girl. Not beautiful but pretty and a good person, she helps people and cares for everybody, is always sad when her friends are sad especially if it’s because of here. Always happy and optimistic, you can always see her smile and hear her laugh. And she likes making people laugh. But as always there is this guy. She told me he was different, that he wanted to change the way she say men and that he said she was beautiful. “he called me that. Nobody has ever called me beautiful!”. She was really happy. Always bouncing around and hugging people, smiling even harder if that’s possible. But then things started to change. She started losing this things because of him. Now she just stares at her screen hoping he’d say something. ANYTHING! because that’s the only way she talks to him anymore. He always says his to busy and that he couldn’t make it. She waited an hour for him but he didn’t come. Didn’t even call her. And she says she is OK but I know she’s not. I can see it in her eyes. She will never forget what he did, she never could. And she knows it’s stupid going on with it because they have different interests. He doesn’t understand what he is doing wrong and she can’t understand him that well either. It’s not their time and she knows it. But she just CAN’T SAY GOODBYE. she can’t. I’ve never seen her like this. She’s always smart and knows what she wants. She always has the right answers and knows the right thing to do. But this time it’s different.

I just want him to know this things. I want him to understand the pain he is causing her. I’ve never seen her cry. In all this years I’ve never seen her cry but in the bar while she was waiting for him to come, she put her glass down, look down and I heard her sob. She is strong but this is just making her weak.

I wish he knew how much she cares and how she sees this stuff but even if she tells him, he doesn’t get it. He always turns things around.

She won’t believe me but there are a lot of boys out there who want her. One guy is crazy in love with her and he is the most wonderful man a woman can have, this other guy wants to be with her but she just can’t do it!

If he knew this things, would anything change?

I think I’m going crazy. It’s not that I can’t be without you, it’s about the fact that I can’t see myself without you. I just can’t see my future without you darling. And that’s pretty scary! You’re the only persone I could see myself having a future with and now I feel like I’m blind. I wish you’d put on your cape and a t-shirt with a “S” on it and come and save me and fight for us. I want you to fight. But me wanting something is not enough. You have to want it too!

How could you let her lay where I layed? How could you give her everything that we made? How yould you call her all the names you used to call me? How could you, how could you just forget about me? How could you teach her all the things I taught you? How could you put me in the back seat to give HER the front seat? How could you, how could you just forget about me?

You want to know the truth?

The truth is that i don’t trust you. At least not completely, even if that is what you want and even if it’s really important for you. I just don’t. Maybe it’s because of the past and the way the world is now.Almost everyone i loved turned out to hurt me and make me suffer so I’m a little paranoid in that domain maybe. Maybe it’s the way society is today; everybody lies and cheats and acts and pretends. But the thing is that i don’t trust you and that’s a very very bad thing. Very bad because i know that that is your NUMBER ONE thing in a relationship. But i can’t change the way i feel. I don’t think i can rely on you. 

I hate it that you don’t think that you’re supposed to fight for US. I hate the fact that you think it’s “begging”. I hate it so much that you take me for granted and don’t feel the need to fight for me. You said you knew from the begging what you were getting in to but i don’t think that’s true. I told you I have the urge to run away when i’m scared and that i need somebody strong enough to hold my hand and don’t let me go. I told you how I am. Running away is just my thing, that’s what i do when I’m scared. You’re supposed to hold me but now you’re telling me “it’s my decision”.

I don’t think I can be with someone I don’t trust. I don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t understand me and the way I am. I don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t know how and when to hold me and keep me from running away. I don’t think I can accept all those wired ”best female friends” of yours who somehow always pop out of nowhere. I can’t accept the fact that you think it’s perfectly fine to always have to reschedule without saying you’re sorry. I don’t think it’s ok for you to want me to JUST accept it and go along with it. I don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t see when something is wrong and who ALWAYS thinks they’re innocent. 

I want somebody who really wants me and doesn’t think that kisses are proof.

If you really loved me you would have noticed what you’re doing to me and how bad you’re hurting me without me always having to tell you.

I love you and i regret it. That is really fucked up for someone who really only loved one man before you. I don’t tell many people that i love them. 

BUT I LOVE YOU AND I F*CKIN’ REGRET IT!

But then why is it so hard to give up on you? Why does it hurt so bad? Why is the thought of living without you so painful? Why is it tearing me apart? Why is it killing me inside to think of you not loving me anymore?

All i want is to be happy. Why is that so hard?

We always say that a fresh start is exactly what we need, that it would make everything better and change our problems. that we could leave the past behind and go on with the future. We move to different cities, countries. We find new friends, start new families, try to forget the past. Try to run faster and harder so you won’t hurt again. But the past always comes back, always follows you around. And no matter how hard you try, one day when you’re tired and just want to rest for a while it will find you and break you down again.

It will never stop if you don’t stop it. It will never rest until you turn around and fight.

I thought running away is easier, less painful. This way I would never have to care, never have to hope too much, give up too much, never fight too much. I was so stupid.

So here I am now. Running away again. Hopping somebody will stop me. Hopping one day I’ll be able to feel again.